12 Ways To Deal With Body Shame
Have you ever felt physically inadequate or in disorder? Ever considered the shape or size of your body or some parts of the body undesirable? You are healthy, yet you think something is wrong with your body. Maybe because you are thin or fat, short or lanky, flat nosed or big toothed, receding haired or knock-kneed, flat chested or bulge-bellied etc. etc. The way people look at you, what they say about you or the way they behave around you tells you that something is wrong with your body? They have made you wish you were not the way you are. You wish you were like some other person. Such feelings happen to us sometimes. They can really eat into our person that they weigh us down. They can force us out of ourselves or cause us to have low self-esteem. They can affect our performance in school, in office and other areas. You therefore need to deal with such feelings. You need to step up and stop taking people’s views about you to heart. Body shame is the name; and it can be so depressing!
How does body shame come about? Societal value or environment can be a factor that brings about this. Many artistes and celebrities despite their talents are cajoled for their bodies. Even Beyoncé’s pregnancy was disbelieved because she has ‘athletic figure.’ Lady gaga faced a serious body-shaming comment after her Super Bowl show because a bulge was noticed on her stomach. In some societies today, big butts and large boobs have some beauty and sexual values. Many men are better attracted to women that are well endowed with those. This makes women who do not possess these sizes of back sides and breasts to be regarded or regard themselves as inadequate. They feel ashamed of their bodies.
We may not successfully orient people against body-shaming. You will always hear such expressions as ‘you are too fat;’ ‘what did you trade your butt for;’ ‘whoa’! Hoes for teeth! Or yam tubers for calves?’ They will keep at those words. But it is not always what is said to us that affects us; it is how we receive them. The suggestions here are focused on you. How you can deal with body shame. It is not how you will deal with the shamers; it is not very necessary, unless you want to show them how you have already accepted it in your look. Being rude to your shamers has not solved the problem of body shame. You will still go home to vent your anger on yourself for being the way you are if you have not worked on yourself. It is not also about how to make people stop shaming others; sometimes people make body-shaming comments and or actions unknowingly. Emma Stone says, ‘I firmly believe that nothing really affects you or can really bother you if you don’t already feel that way about yourself.’ Oh, I didn’t tell you, she too has been a victim of body shame. So, continue reading if you are ready to learn how to overcome the feelings and how to get in control of yourself.
- Love Yourself
‘Give back your heart to itself’, says a line of Derek Walcott’s ‘Love after Love’. That sounds narcissistic. Right? Oh yea, it does. But there is something positive about it. It can serve as a personal trampoline, a leap spring. Nothing keeps one going as self-love. It will make you celebrate yourself even when no one seems to care. Love yourself the way you are. Think of yourself as superior in some way. Look deep into your life and find out that thing you are glad you have. Look around and you will certainly see people who will be saying within their mind that you are better than them. So, with elation, greet yourself with a hug as you arrive at your own door. If you love yourself, no one will make you feel ashamed of your body. Can a lover be ashamed of the love? Certainly No. Find a reason, any reason, to fall in love with the person you are, and the person you are diligently working to become. This will keep your head up, and save it from drooping due to depression – the depression that comes if you admit body shame. When people’s comments about your body besiege you or your own criticism of your look threatens your peace of mind, there will be love to conquer them all. So, ‘Sit. Feast on your life’. Not on your body.
- Know That No One Is Perfect
Maybe it never occurred to you that no look is the perfect one. You slim down, people say you are thin; you plump up, people say you are fat; and all that. We needed slim bodies for models yet we body-shamed model Hadid Bells for being ‘too thin’. When you have curves, big butts and large boobs, they can’t have you represent them in pageantry. When you are slim, they leave you for the endowed in the bedroom. You see there is no point wishing you were not the way you are? There is no perfect shape. They said J. K. Rowling has a body built like a man’s. Demi Lovato with her curves is shamed for being fat. They said Christina Aguilera should be apologetic for her ‘curvy figure.’ Would you believe that Kim Kardashian West’s crime was that she got pregnant and gained weight after that? Now she becomes a victim of body shame. The same with Alyssa Milano, Kriten Bell and Kelly Clarkson! So, why the fuss about your body? People must talk. However you are – short or tall. Even a little change in your body look for some biological or accidental reasons will get people pushing you to be ashamed of your body. So what? Get it into your head, like your name, that no body shape or size is perfect. No body shape or size is really ok for all. If you dress to cover all, you are prude. If you have it light, you are a ho. One man’s food, they say, is another’s poison. You see what our world is like? Forget it and live on.
- Know That Values Change
‘In the old age, black was not counted fair/Or if it were, it bore no beauty’s name’ so reads the first two lines of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 127. Fairness was previously valued such that many resorted to body bleaching, but not any longer. Big butts and curvy bodies probably do not count as beauty in certain cultures as in others. Value changes. Nothing remains the same. Maybe you feel ashamed of your body because of where and when you are. Would the case be the same in ten years’ time? Would the case be the same some kilometers away from there? Would a short person feel ashamed in a community of shorter people? Remember Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travel? At Luliput, Gulliver is a giant, so tall to douse an inferno with his urine. But at Brobdignang, he is too small that he is to be swallowed by a babe in arms.
Again, fat people can slim down and slim people can get fat. Nothing remains the same. Convince yourself about the fluidity of reality. When you do, you will find little reason to think yourself inadequate. You are good the way you are. Value changes by the day. In our world today, Unoka the nonentity in Umuofia of Things Fall Apart would be a celebrity, a great successful man. That is life. It changes, and so does everything in it, including you.
- Focus On Your Selling Point(s)
Maybe your nose is unevenly shaped (if there is anything like that) or your bust is ungraciously small (can’t explain what I mean) or your body size is actually larger than your friends’. But is your body all you can offer? Is it all you have got to give? Is that all that can get people attracted to you? Everybody has their selling point. There is something that wows people about you only if you showcase it. It could be your voice, the way you speak, the way you walk, the way you smile, your caring heart, your character, your creative ingenuity. All these and many more can be your selling points. They can draw admirers to you. Why not focus on and flaunt these attributes? Why not shroud your supposed shameful look in these good scores? Why not blind people with those good points you have. Many people gain fans not by their looks but by other things they do well. The likes of Chinedu Ikedieze, Osita Iheme and Stephen Anajemba are reputable first for their shortness and ugliness respectively. But then, they focused on their selling points. When you focus and make pronounced your selling point, you will have little time and reason to feel ashamed of your body. So, to handle the shamer’s force on you for your genetic configuration, focus on what makes you better.
- Write About The Feelings
Psychologists talk about compensation. That’s something good you do instead of doing what’s bad or allowing a bad urge to get you. When you feel ashamed of your body, turn the energy to something creative. Write about that feeling. Start with how you got to know about how unusual your body is. Then write about your observation of people’s impression of your body each day. Write about the remarks you hear each day. Write about your feelings, what it feels like to be made to be ashamed of your body. You will exhaust your energy on this and will get rest. You won’t be depressed but you will have made something good out of the situation. You can make a song, a poem, a story or play out of this personal experiences. Have you wondered why many sexually intimidated people are creative? It is because they turn the feelings into poetry, stories and philosophy. They refuse to be drowned in the ocean of rejection. They speak with pen. They write deeply. They sing passionately. These works were written at moments of great emotional charge/saturation. But the charge does not get used up in worry and self-destruction. It is turned into creativity. They write. So, whenever you feel ashamed of your body, don’t worry, think and write about it. Write about the way we make judgements as people. Philosophize on our discriminatory tendencies even as we continually decry racial, sexual and religious discrimination. Write. Write. Write.
- Consider What Your Look Serves
My classmate loves it when she sees that we have only her to go for whenever we need a female bouncer for our parties. She does it well with collecting dues and fines for the class. We wouldn’t go for her if she is skinny or just plump. She has the broadness, the weight, the height, everything someone would have expected her to be ashamed of. But guess what, she doesn’t give a damn! She loves it. So, get to know that which only you can serve. You are brief – short and thin? Then, you could be the only saviour your team has when the ball falls into a tunnel. Bow-legged, maybe you can do well with soccer. Surprise your close relative, who doesn’t like to go out with you because of your body, with something great only your body shape or size fits into. You gain value and admiration doing this. You too will be happy.
- Create A Myth/Trend
Some people know how to make myths out of themselves, humorous ones that earn them some respect. A friend who is blind on one eye told us that he uses the blind one to commune with the spirits. And as if that is true he would sleep with that eye open. This made us admire him as a great person. We could not make joke of his eye because he had made some myth around it. We rallied around him to know what the spirits said. You can create a similar myth around your size. Say, you had to be fat to stand the weight of what you carry in your brain. What’s more, you can make a trend of your look. Make dark a preferred complexion. Make slimness an envied body shape by being creative about your outfits. Make a myth, create a trend, and your body shame will turn to body pride.
- Speak About Your Looks
Hey! You owe no one apologies for your look. You shouldn’t then get yourself swallowed in the group. Take the lead. Seize their gaze. Make the shot before others do. Don’t allow them to make the joke for you. Speak about your flat nose before they do. When you make humorous remarks about your look, you tend to give the impression that you have accepted it and are beyond being made to be ashamed of it. Stephen Anajemba continues to make jokes out of his body, so does Amy Schumer about her body weight. You may not be a comedian but occasions may come when you create the humour. ‘Wouldn’t you need my teeth for that bony meat?’ sounds funny enough from someone who has unusually big dentition. In speaking about your looks, don’t sound as if you expect response or approval. Conclude the matter by saying for example – ‘that load is really for my size.’ Don’t hide. Cash in on some situations and speak up such that the people around could wish they were like you. So, make fun of it. Speak about it. Be unapologetic about your body and be proud of it.
- Guard Your Mind Against People’s Comments
People can say things that will leave your head spinning and spinning until you crash. You need to hear Nicole Richie’s story. She has been criticized for being too fat and for being too skinny! Isn’t that weird? That’s what you get from people. Wonderful as people are. You just got to guard your mind against comments to avoid stories that touch the heart. As you plan to be a public figure, know this beforehand and prepare yourself. Remarks made about you should not steal your night rests. Forget them. People will always speak about anything. Get a flat chest and they will jeer, get it enlarged and they will jeer still. Why the fuss then? Nothing gets all people satisfied. Why would one even strive to satisfy everyone? Not even those that sell ice cream have attained that status. Be on your guard against what they say about your look. Don’t allow it to weigh you down. It does not worth it.
- Say No To Objectification
Why would your body be the issue? Why would the focus be your looks? People objectify you when their attention is just on your body and not on what you can offer, your substance. They see you as objects of pleasure to be looked at and possibly touched and used. You objectify yourself when you struggle to get large butts and big boobs. You are withdrawing attention from yourself to your body. So, how your body looks matters little. Dress nice and offer great value. Pay attention to things that promote health. You are valuable beyond your body. It is only an object that has to be judged by its looks. It is only the person who attaches value to an object that considers the efficiency of the object. Flashy cars lure little minds but durable and sound engines attract mature mind. Get mature. Stand against objectification by self and others. Refuse to be concluded based on your looks. When you prioritize substance, appearance will no longer make you feel inferior.
- Get Yourself Busy
You need to get yourself busy in order to live above body shame. If you are idle you will dwell on remarks for your worries and focus on your body look. Get busy. Get a work. Go out to the garden and weed it. Take a walk. Cook. Write songs or stories. Read books. Just do something that will take your time. Ultimately, a permanent job that will take you away in the morning and back, little wasted, in the evening is encouraged. Work on your dreams and goals. When you are busy you hardly make out time to worry about people’s comments on your body. Get busy with something worthwhile. You will be improving yourself and serving your society when you are busy. Nothing changes with body shame. Maybe your self-esteem does, anyway – and in the negative direction.
- Get A Confidant
Sometimes we need someone to share our feelings with. Someone we can open ourselves to. Such person that will understand our fears and aspirations. It could be a parent, a friend or spouse. Tell them about your feelings. How you think your body looks. What you think make up people’s opinion of your appearance. What you heard about your body as you walked through the street. Don’t lie with it. Don’t live with it alone. You may get depressed. Speak to a confidant who will help raise your spirit again. This confidant can assist in creating a better environment for your secured living. Sometimes the environment we are in contributes to our feelings of body-shame. Our confidant can go out to address our threats in form of peers or fans. Don’t do it yourself especially when you are already down with the feeling. Speak to that person who will get you back on your feet.
To conquer body shame, you need to be involved. The above are valuable suggestions. You will have to apply them and some more you may stumble on. We need you to be proud of yourself. Only when you are can you add value to your world. Your world is our world. That’s why we care.
Bignedu
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